Being pregnant filled me with an irresistible need to reconnect with my biological family. I believed I had to fix things with them. I wanted to get to know my sisters, and wanted them to be in my child’s life. Going back home brought back all the unresolved feelings I had shoved down over the years. I became that young girl who wanted to be loved again. I began to get to know my sisters for the first time in my life. They were struggling with problems of their own at the time. My father was drinking a lot and the family was completely falling apart. The illusion of the perfect family was over. I spent a lot of time getting to know the sisters I had lost years earlier. I thought that we could be a family again. Meanwhile, I tried to be the good girl and get back in good standing with my father. I felt like I had a split personality. I loved him and wanted him to accept me but I was also angry at him and my mother. I wanted them to admit that they were wrong and tell me they were sorry. I wanted us to be a big happy family. I tried to pretend that the abuse had not taken place.
At the same time, I talked to my sisters and told them my truth about what had happened. I realize now, that I wanted my sisters to take my side. I didn’t realize how unfair that was. I allowed myself to become very bitter over not being able to grow up with them. I expected them to welcome me with open arms, and respect me for having saved them from the abuse I had suffered. I didn’t understand until many years later, that they couldn’t possibly understand what I had been through. Their path was different and they had suffered their own abuse as a result of the aftermath of our family being fractured. I was also trying to maintain a relationship with my foster family at the same time and feeling misunderstood because my mom didn’t seem to understand why I was trying to have a relationship with my biological family again. I didn’t even try to understand why this would be so hard for her. I didn’t care about anyone but myself.