Before Surrender from I Do Believe…

About two weeks after I had arrived in Florida, Asia came down to visit us. She was supposed to be leaving for basic training in July. She had injured her knee back in May and we were hoping she would heal so that she was able to make it through the Navy’s basic training. While she was with us, we realized that her knee would need more time to heal and the Navy recruiter said that she would have to be discharged and re-enlist when her knee was healed. That same day Rick was laid off from his job. At first, I thought he would quickly be able to find another job. I thought we would be okay and God would provide.

Rick began sending his resume out looking for work and no one would call him back. I couldn’t understand what was happening. What about the vision I had of Jesus and me in the red convertible. God was not blessing our plans! I felt like God had just pulled the rug out from under me.

Asia went back home to be with her father for a little while. She struggled over the end of her dream of going into the Navy. She called me a few weeks later and asked if she could come live in Florida with Rick and me. I couldn’t believe it! One of the reasons I had waited so long to move to Florida was that she had said she never wanted to live there. I agreed and couldn’t wait for her to come.

Her father gave her money to fly down and since Rick and I had an apartment with two bedrooms and two full bathrooms, we had plenty of room. She started to attend church with us. She tried to keep herself from being close to anyone, because after all this was just a stop over until she could re-enlist into the Navy.

We continued to attend the church and for the first time I started to learn about the grace and mercy of God. I learned even though I wasn’t worthy,  Jesus had made me worthy. I held onto Jeremiah 29:11 during this time. “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” I kept saying that over and over again, at the same time getting angrier the longer it took God to open the door. I didn’t know what God was waiting for. I fell into deep despair. I started to believe that I had hoped for too much. I thought I just needed to settle down and start surviving life. I needed to focus on heaven and how wonderful it was going to be then.

During this time we grew connected with our church and became part of the family. These people really reached out to us. Rick and I came home one afternoon and found a bag of groceries on our porch. I was so touched that someone would go out of their way to bring us food. We began attending a small group and developing friendships. My lack of self-worth and the deep disappointment that I felt toward God continued to make it difficult for me to connect very deeply with anyone.

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